The Daily Joke For November

The Daily Joke is a series of monthly pages that have something funny for every day of every month of the year.

For November though, instead of just more jokes, I thought that you might enjoy reading about some of the weird news items that seem to come from all corners of the globe these days. I don't think a single day goes by without there being some wacky story about someone doing something unusual, stupid, or some odd event happening.

I hope you enjoy the collection that I have for you in November, and don't forget, there are plenty more jokes, funny stories, and funny pictures where this came from. All my Daily Joke pages are listed in The Daily Joke so please don't forget to drop by whenever you need a good laugh.

MAN TO WALK ON 17 METRE STILTS

A carnival performer in Australia will attempt to break the world record for stilt walking when he gets onto 17-metre stilts from the top of a spiral tower in Adelaide today.

Roy Maloy will attempt to walk on the tallest stilts ever made - exceeding the height of an average four-storey building.

He has been through a rigorous training regime, and also holds the Australian record for a much shorter five metres.

Mr Maloy says it's been a huge logistical challenge.

"To build the tallest stilts ever it's not just one piece of wood which I made the Australian record stilts out of, you need to make them out of three pieces of very light weight aluminium that are all welded together like a scaffold," he said.

"It's got to be extremely strong and extremely light because we're talking about in that length nearly 30 kilos per leg."

SECOND EGG FOUND INSIDE GIANT CHICKEN EGG

A second, normal-sized egg popped out of a giant egg laid by a chicken raised at a high school in Japan, a school official said after breaking open the shell.

The huge egg, which was 8.1 centimetres high and weighed 158 grams, was laid at the Yokaichi Minami High School in the city of Higashiomi in late October.

The egg was scheduled to be displayed after grabbing headlines in local and national newspapers.

But school teachers decided on Friday to remove the shell by using a scalpel and tweezers after finding a crack.

Within the large egg, was a second egg hidden amongst the yolk and white.

Word of the second egg spread quickly after assistant principal Toshitaka Minami made a school announcement on making the surprising discovery.

The hot topic at the high school now is whether another egg is hidden inside the second, medium-sized egg.

To find out, Mr Minami said the school plans to break open the second egg next week.

IRANIAN MINISTER SACKED OVER FAKE OXFORD UNIVERSITY DEGREE

Parliament in Iran has voted to sack Interior Minister Ali Kordan after he admitted a degree he said he obtained from Oxford University was a forgery.

Mr Kordan said he had received the doctoral certificate in good faith, but it was later revealed as a crude fake.

MPs have accused the president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of grave naivety for having been taken in by the lies of his minister.

The Parliamentary speaker says 188 MPs from a total of 247 have voted for a motion to impeach Mr Kordan.

SARAH PALIN FALLS PREY TO CANADIAN PRANKSTER

US vice presidential hopeful Sarah Palin fell prey to a Canadian prankster when he called her impersonating French President Nicolas Sarkozy and got her to accept an invitation to hunt baby seals.

In an over-the-top French accent, a member of the Quebec comedy duo The Masked Avengers, famous for tricking celebrities and politicians including Mr Sarkozy himself, asked if Ms Palin would take him on a hunting trip by helicopter, and then in French said they could also go kill baby seals.

An apparently oblivious Ms Palin said she thought that would be fun.

"We could have a lot of fun together as we're getting work done. We could kill two birds with one stone that way," she said.

The prankster also got Ms Palin, Republican John McCain's running mate in Tuesday's US presidential election, to reveal a potential ambition for the top job in Washington.

Asked if she would like to eventually become president, the Alaska governor responded, "Well, maybe in eight years."

Ms Palin's office quickly admitted they were hoodwinked.

"Governor Palin was mildly amused to learn that she had joined the ranks of heads of state, including President Sarkozy, and other celebrities in being targeted by these pranksters. C'est la vie," Ms Palin's spokeswoman Tracy Schmitt said in an email.

During the phone call, which was played for a Montreal radio program, Ms Palin complimented the fake Mr Sarkozy on his beautiful wife, Carla Bruni, and asked him to give her a "big hug" for her.

"You added a lot of energy to your country with that beautiful family of yours," Ms Palin said.

The prankster responded by complimenting Ms Palin on a notorious Hustler porn film Nailin' Paylin, which he said was a documentary of her life.

"Oh good, thank you," Ms Palin said.

Ms Palin also reassured the fake Mr Sarkozy when he said he would not want to bring Vice President Dick Cheney on a hunting trip. Mr Cheney once accidentally shot a hunting partner.

"I'll be a careful shot," she promised.

FINLAND RATES "LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE" ADULTS ONLY

Finland has rated the DVD release of the much-loved children's television series Little House On The Prairie suitable for adult viewing only.

To save money, Universal Pictures decided not to submit the series to state inspection, the company's Finland marketing manager Meri Suomela told Reuters.

Finnish authorities charge 2 euros ($3.80) per minute for assessing the correct age limit on films and television series.

Distributors who forego this can only sell their shows with a sticker saying "Banned for under-18s".

"Long series can get quite expensive to check, and some use this exemption in the law to their advantage," said Matti Paloheimo, director at the Finnish Board of Film Classification.

"Such unchecked material should not be shown to children publicly," he added.

Little House On The Prairie, which ran from 1974 to 1983, portrayed life in the US West in the late 1800s and was based on the Laura Ingalls Wilder's children's book of the same name.

It remains popular in Finland, and is still shown weekly on Sunday mornings on state-owned broadcaster YLE.

BRITISH COURT JAILS 007 IMPOSTER

A man who carried out a double life as a would-be James Bond, calling himself Commander Newitt and carrying a replica Glock 9mm pistol, was jailed for two years by a British court.

As well as playing at being the fictional secret agent, Michael Newitt pretended to be a policeman, fitted his car with a siren and blue strobe lights and went so far as to arrest a suspected drunk driver.

He had the letters CMG - an award fictitiously presented to Bond in Ian Fleming's From Russia with Love - printed after his name.

Even his wife believed him when he said he was to conduct "special missions," the Press Association news agency reported.

"He's a con man and a fantasist who's styled himself as a James Bond character. His life has been a spectacular illusion," prosecutor Adrian Harris told Leicester Crown Court.

Newitt, 41, who lives near Loughborough in central England, was finally exposed when a policeman became suspicious of his Commander title.

Defence lawyer Gary Short said Newitt had low self-esteem and sought respect by adopting a false personality.

Newitt was jailed for committing fake identity card offences, fraudulently claiming to be a police officer, carrying two imitation firearms, falsely suggesting he was a police officer and possessing articles of police uniform.

JOGGER RUNS A MILE WITH A FOX LOCKED ONTO HER ARM

A jogger ran for a mile with a rabid fox clamped to her arm before locking the animal in the trunk of her car and racing to hospital for treatment, US police said.

Michelle Felicetta was out running on a trail at the base of Granite Mountain near Prescott, northern Arizona on Monday when she came face-to-face with the fox in a clearing, Yavapai County Sheriff's Office said.

The woman attempted to back away from the animal but as she did so the fox lunged and sunk its teeth into her feet. After she grabbed the animal by the neck the fox bit Ms Felicetta on the arm and would not release his grip.

The quick-thinking jogger realised she would need to keep the animal for testing so ran back to her car where she managed to prise its jaws open before throwing it in the trunk and driving to hospital.

The fox also bit an animal control officer who attempted to remove it from Ms Felicetta's car. Both she and the animal officer will have to now undergo a series of vaccinations for treatment.

"This fox made eye contact with me and started walking towards me," Ms Felicetta later told KPHO local television. "That's when I knew something was really wrong."

PILOT LANDS PLANE AFTER BEING BLINDED IN MID-AIR

A British pilot who temporarily went blind in mid-air has been telling how the crew of a Royal Air Force plane helped him to land.

Jim O'Neill was flying his Cessna plane at around 1,500 metres when he suddenly lost his eyesight.

The hobby pilot believed he had been blinded by the sunlight.

However his blindness had been caused by a stroke.

Mr O'Neill alerted air traffic control in the north of England.

They sent an air force plane with an experienced flying instructor to guide him down safely.

Flying at just 15 metres beside Mr O'Neill, the Royal Air Force pilot managed to bring him down to a nearby air field using voice instructions.

WOMAN HAS TWINS FROM 13 YEAR OLD SPERM

A Taiwanese woman has given birth to healthy twins using the 13-year-old frozen sperm of a former testicular cancer patient, local media said, setting a record for the island.

The twin boys were born using the sperm taken from a man surnamed Chen, then 23, who was diagnosed with testicular cancer and told chemotherapy could make him infertile, Taiwan newspapers said, citing sources at a Taipei medical university.

Mr Chen, who is in good health at age 36 but cannot produce sperm naturally, got his wife pregnant with two of the four embryos used for artificial insemination, newspapers said. Last month's delivery followed a 37-week pregnancy.

"Never before had a case involving such a long period of time between the freezing of male sperm and procreation been reported in Taiwan," the island's Central News Agency reported, citing the college of medicine dean at Taipei Medical University.

WORSHIPPERS BRAWL AT HISTORIC CHURCH

Greek Orthodox and Armenian worshippers have traded blows in the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, where Christian denominations jealously protect their hold over areas of the traditional site of Jesus' crucifixion.

Israeli police moved into the shrine, which faithful also believe contains the tomb of Jesus, to restore order and said they arrested two clerics.

Dozens of worshippers, dressed in the vestments of the Greek Orthodox and Armenian denominations, traded kicks and punches, knocking down tapestries and toppling decorations at the site in Arab East Jerusalem.

The brawl erupted during the Feast of the Cross, a ceremony in which the Armenian community commemorates what it believes was the fourth century discovery of the cross upon which Jesus was crucified.

Fights are not uncommon in the Church of the Holy Sepulchre among the representatives of Christian denominations who are responsible for maintaining its different chambers.

The Darwin Awards are given out each year to those people who are, well, shall we say a few cents short of a dollar... These people have done the most stupid things, invariably paying the ultimate price for being to dumb to be on this planet.

So let's hear it for The Darwin Awards... I guarantee you won't stop laughing from cover to cover. A great gift for a man (or woman for that matter) who likes offbeat humor, and also a great book for the coffee table or even the bathroom.

GALAPAGOS TURTLE IN STRUGGLE TO BECOME A FATHER

After stunning conservationists by mating for the first time in decades, a giant tortoise from the Galapagos islands called Lonesome George, who is the last of his kind, still may not become a dad.

George, a 90-year-old conservation marvel and one of the world's rarest creatures, mated this year with two females, but 80 per cent of the eggs they laid appear infertile.

The females belong to a different subspecies of giant tortoise.

A Pinta Island tortoise, George had showed little interest in sex during 36 years in captivity. His new-found libido has raised hopes he could save his subspecies from extinction

Ecuadorean scientists are studying the eggs and have not ruled out that George could be sterile.

"We are puzzled. We will leave the eggs in the incubators and try to find answers," said Washington Tapia, a park official in change of George's reproduction program.

"It's too early to say if George is infertile, only genetic research could tell us that."

However, hope is not lost. Scientists said 20 per cent of the remaining eggs could still produce offspring.

George's keepers placed his eggs in incubators decorated with religious images in hopes of a miracle.

Scientists are also searching for distant relatives in a nearby island, hoping to find another male for mating.

Variations in tortoises from different islands were among the features of the Galapagos that helped Charles Darwin formulate his theory of evolution in the 19th century.

Since then, tortoises have been hunted by pirates and sailors for their meat and their habitat has been eaten away by goats introduced onto the islands. George was the last tortoise found on Pinta in 1971.

Ecuador has declared the islands at risk and the United Nations says efforts to protect them should continue. Some 20,000 giant tortoises still live on the islands.

After trying almost everything from artificial insemination to having George watch younger males mate, his keepers had nearly lost hope.

At 90 years old George is in his sexual prime and his low libido even raised tabloid-like rumours the 90-kilogram creature preferred other males.

MEXICAN SCIENTIST TURNS TEQUILA INTO DIAMONDS

Mexican scientists have turned the country's national tipple tequila into diamonds, and are seeking applications for their discovery - but the crystals are too small to be used in jewellery such as engagement rings.

The tequila diamonds could be used to "detect radiation, coat cutting tools or, above all, as a substitute for silicon in the computer chips of the future," said Miguel Apatiga, one of three researchers from the National Autonomous University of Mexico who made the discovery.

The scientists found that heated vapour from tequila blanco, when deposited on a stainless steel base, can form diamond films.

They began experimenting some 13 years ago with synthetic diamonds - made by a technological process, as opposed to natural diamonds, produced by geological process - from gases like methane.

Later they produced diamonds from liquids, and then noticed that the ideal compound of 40 percent ethanol and 60 percent water was similar to the proportion used in tequila.

"One day I went to the campus shop and bought a bottle of cheap tequila. I used it under the same experiment conditions as for a test with ethanol and water and obtained positive results," Mr Apatiga said.

The diamonds formed were small crystals, too tiny to be used in jewellery.

"It would be very difficult to obtain diamonds for a ring," Mr Apatiga said.

But the scientists are now investigating other applications for tequila diamonds.

"It's true that the fact it's tequila has a certain charm. It's a Mexican product and Mexican researchers developed the project ... but a businessman can say to me: 'Great, how pretty! But how can I use it?'" Mr Apatiga said.

After the first test with a common make of tequila blanco, the group is now studying the effects of more select tequilas to find the best adapted to the surprising transformation.

NEWSPAPER HOAX DECLARES END OF WAR IN IRAQ

A group of pranksters have handed out more than 1.2 million fake New York Times newspapers, mainly in New York City and Los Angeles, with a front page story declaring "Iraq War Ends".

The elaborate 14-page edition, dated July 4, 2009, is said to be the work of a group called the Yes Men, whose previous hoaxes include masquerading as World Trade Organisation officials announcing they were disbanding the body.

"It is fake and we are looking into it," said New York Times spokeswoman Catherine Mathis.

A statement sent from a website set up for the fake edition, www.nytimes-se.com, said creating the newspaper took six months and that it was printed at six different presses and then given to thousands of volunteers to distribute.

"We've got to make sure Obama and all the other Democrats do what we elected them to do," Bertha Suttner, identified as one of the newspaper's writers, said in the statement.

"After eight, or maybe 28 years of hell, we need to start imagining heaven."

President-elect Barack Obama takes office on January 20 after eight years of the Bush administration and 28 years after the inauguration of Ronald Reagan.

The newspaper includes a front page story saying that "Ex-Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice reassured soldiers that the Bush administration had known well before the invasion that Saddam Hussein lacked weapons of mass destruction."

The Bush administration has said it believed at the time of the March 2003 invasion that Iraq had chemical and biological weapons and was trying to develop a nuclear bomb.

Other headlines declared that the "Maximum Wage Law Succeeds," "Nationalised Oil to Fund Climate Change Efforts" and "Nation Sets Its Sights On Building Sane Economy."

There is also a full page fake advertisement on page three from the world's largest publicly traded oil company Exxon Mobil saying the company applauded the end of the Iraq war and that peace is "an idea the world can profit from".

In a pamphlet handed out to volunteers when they picked up copies of the newspaper to distribute there was a "Frequently Asked Questions" section. In response to "who made this?" it said: "Who knows? Rumors are it's a group of writers from several mainstream dailies - including The New York Times."

The Yes Men, who were the subject of a book and documentary in 2004, have pulled off pranks including posing as Exxon Mobil and National Petroleum Council representatives to deliver a speech at a Canadian oil conference.

They have also posed as federal housing officials at a New Orleans event with the city's mayor and the governor of Louisiana and promised to throw open closed public housing to thousands of poor former city residents.

But they are not the first to fake The New York Times.

According to the paper's "City Room" blog, the best-known spoof was during the 1978 newspaper strike and the prank included journalist Carl Bernstein, author Christopher Cerf, humorist Tony Hendra and Paris Review editor George Plimpton.

BORAT BOOSTED KAZAKH TOURISM

Borat, the spoof blundering reporter from Kazakhstan, actually boosted tourism in the central Asian country, a Kazakh minister said.

Kenzhebay Satzhanov, deputy chairman in Kazakhstan's Tourism and Sports Ministry, told AFP that British comic Sacha Baron Cohen's character had helped put the country on the map.

"It was free-of-charge advertising and lots of people want to come and see our country," he said.

"The rise [in tourists was] maybe not so huge like we expected, but in any case we saw interest."

The 2006 smash hit film Borat: Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan offended some by portraying the country as full of backward quasi-mediaeval racists who drink horse urine.

Kazakhstan's Government was initially angered by the film, but its response softened amid the publicity it brought.

"The first glance was not, of course, positive. It cannot be because you see a lot of not so good things," Mr Satzhanov said.

"But then, after that, when we start seeing interest in our country, it was of course reflected better. It was positive.

"People, after looking at this film, they will like to come and see: 'Is it real? Is it the same or not?' It helps to learn more about our country.

"Every year they organise a familiarisation trip for international journalists and they had around 15 trips and they could see by their eyes how the country is, is it like Borat told?

"This film was made in Romania, it's a very poor country."

Mr Satzhanov said Borat had still not taken up his invite to visit Kazakhstan.

The country's three major tourist development projects - the completely new Aktau City beach resort on the Caspian Sea coast, Borovoye and Kapchagay lake - have been unaffected by the global financial downturn, Mr Satzhanov said.

"The result of six months statistics showed that inbound tourism grew by 13 per cent," he said.

"At the moment, no problem."

CANADIAN INMATE RELEASED FOR BEING TOO FAT

A morbidly obese Canadian inmate has been released months ahead of schedule because his prison was not adequately suited to hold a man of his girth, a parole board said.

Michel "Big Mike" Lapointe, 37, had pleaded guilty to drug trafficking in February and in May was sentenced to five years in prison, less 20 months served awaiting trial.

But a judge later reduced his sentence because of hardships the 195-kilogram man claimed to have endured in a prison designed for smaller criminals.

This week, the Quebec Parole Board granted him early parole, saying in its decision he had been jailed for 25 months under "difficult conditions due to his health."

The parole board also noted that two halfway houses - residences designed to help convicts transition from jail back into society - had refused to take him in, and that he was well-behaved during his incarceration.

Lapointe, a former accountant for a drug-trafficking ring, would not normally have been eligible for parole until February 2009, but according to his lawyer Clemente Monterosso, his health was deteriorating.

His jail cell bed was 25 centimetres narrower than his body and he could not even sit on a chair, Monterosso said in May.

"Finally it's over," Lapointe told the daily Journal de Montreal. "I want a normal life. I made some mistakes and I paid for them."

"Now, I will finally have a decent bed and a chair I can sit on."

COUPLE DIVORCE AFTER AFFAIR IN A VIRTUAL WORLD

A British woman is divorcing her husband after accusing his computer game character of cheating on her online alter ego.

Amy Taylor has filed for divorce from husband of three years David Pollard on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

The move comes after her character in virtual world Second Life caught his character cuddling another animated woman on a sofa in the game.

BEATLES "CARNIVAL" MAY SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY

An epic Beatles improvisation could be released 41 years after it was recorded, Sir Paul McCartney has revealed.

The 14-minute track called Carnival of Light - a jumble of shrieks and psychedelic effects - was never released because three of the Fab Four thought it too adventurous.

"It does exist," McCartney told a BBC Radio 4 arts program to be broadcast this week, The Observer newspaper reported.

Talking to John Wilson, the presenter of Front Row, the former Beatle confirmed he still had a master tape of the work and said he thought "the time has come for it to get its moment".

Recorded in 1967 by McCartney, Ringo Starr, George Harrison and John Lennon at London's Abbey Road studios, Carnival of Light was played just once in public - at a music festival the same year.

It features the sound of gargled water, church organs and distorted guitar riffs along with Lennon and McCartney shouting random phrases such as "Are you all right?" and "Barcelona!".

McCartney said he suggested recording the track after being commissioned to create a piece for the festival.

The other three Beatles reportedly regarded it as too odd to release.

Wilson told The Observer McCartney "would love to release the track".

"All he needs now is the blessing of Ringo Starr, Yoko Ono and George Harrison's widow Olivia," Wilson said.

"MEH" AND OTHER NEW WORDS ADDED TO ENGLISH DICTIONARY

"Meh", a word which indicates a lack of interest or enthusiasm, has become the latest addition to the Collins English Dictionary.

The word, which beat hundreds of other suggestions from members of the public, will feature in the 30th anniversary edition of the dictionary, which is to be published next year.

Though the word apparently originates from North America, Collins said it was now widely used on the Internet, and was increasingly seen in British spoken English.

The dictionary entry for "meh" will say it can be used as an interjection to indicate indifference or boredom, as an adjective to describe something as boring or mediocre, or to show an individual is apathetic or unimpressed.

The word was popularised by the US comedy animation series "The Simpsons", where characters Bart and Lisa use it to express indifference when their father Homer suggests a day trip.

It was submitted by Erin Whyte from Nottingham, central England, and a panel of Collins language experts singled it out from the hundreds of other submissions because of its frequency of use in modern English.

"This is a new interjection from the US that seems to have inveigled its way into common speech over here," said Cormac McKeown, head of content at Collins Dictionaries.

"It shows people are increasingly writing in a register somewhere in between spoken and written English."

Other words submitted to Collins's campaign - which was launched in June and called on members of the public to suggest words they used in everyday English - were jargonaut (a fan of jargon); frenemy (an enemy disguised as a friend) and huggles (a hybrid of hugs and snuggles).

RAT EXPLOSION IN HAMELIN - PIED PIPER IS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN

Just ahead of the 725th anniversary of the Pied Piper reputedly banishing a plague of rats from Hamelin, there has been an "explosion" in the German town's rodent population, officials said.

The spokesman for the northern town said the sharp rise at an abandoned garden allotment site on the edge of the town was because the rats had a plentiful supply of food from an adjacent rubbish dump.

According to legend, a colourful or "pied" rat catcher lured all the rats out of town in 1284 by playing his pipe.

When the townspeople refused to pay him, he did the same with Hamelin's children and they were never seen again.

LOST IN SPACE - ASTRONAUT DROPS TOOL BAG

There has been an unfortunate case of butterfingers in the Space Shuttle Endeavour's mission to the International Space Station.

NASA says an astronaut from the Endeavour let slip her tool bag during a spacewalk and watched helplessly as it floated off into the void of space.

Astronaut Heide Stefanyshyn-Piper, who took part in the first of the mission's four planned spacewalks, had just started working on a jammed joint on a solar panel of the International Space Station (ISS) when the accident occurred.

NASA Television transmitted live images showing the tool bag, with all the tools inside, slipping away, after Captain Stefanyshyn-Piper removed grease that had leaked out of a grease gun onto the bag's contents.

"Oh, great!" she exclaimed.

She then borrowed tools from her companion spacewalker Steve Bowen, who carried the same contents in his bag and resumed work on the rotation system ball bearings.

Mission Control at the Johnson Space Centre in Houston says the mission to work on the ISS's solar antenna rotation system would continue.

Apart from the lost bag mishap, the spacewalk took place as planned.

NASA tracks objects lost close to the ISS and the space shuttle because they can be harmful if they later collide with spaceships.

It's a good thing they had some spares - you can't exactly send out to Home Depot can you...

Nothing helps add a little fun into your life more than a book of jokes or funny things left in the smallest room in the house.

Take a look at these great ideas to add some humor in your house - or that of a friend.

THE iPHONE HAS PROBLEMS UNDERSTANDING BRITISH ACCENTS

A new voice-recognition search tool for the iPhone has problems understanding British accents, leading to some bizarre answers to spoken queries, a newspaper report and users said.

The free application, which allows iPhone owners to use the Google search engine with their voice, mistook the word "iPhone" variously for "sex," "Einstein" and "kitchen sink," said the Daily Telegraph.

Comments left by users on the application's website seemed to confirm the problem. "Awesome job Google. Only problem is every time I say the word 'fish' it registers as 'sex'," wrote one, identified as Kevin.

A video demonstration of the Google Mobile App on the online giant's website shows an American engineer successfully asking for pictures of the Golden Gate as well as cinema timetables and temperature conversions.

The website also includes a link to a video showing people with Irish, British and Chinese accents asking for relatively complicated searches, with apparent success.

But British iPhone owners had less luck when speaking the word "iPhone" into the application - a Scottish user was offered a porn website after it mistook his search for "sex," the Telegraph reported.

A user from Surrey, south of London, had his request mistaken for "Myspace" and "Einstein" was another option offered for "iPhone" spoken with a Kent accent, it said.

The only British accent which correctly understood the request was for a user from Yorkshire, northern England, although he was also offered "bonfire."

A Welsh accent gave the suggestions "gorillas" and "kitchen sink."

"I've got a traditional Kentish accent and the thing kept on spitting back ridiculous things," said Roger Ellinson, 26, from Maidstone in Kent, south-eastern England.

"I asked it to find my nearest pizza take away and it came back with something about volcanoes," he added.

"I asked it to find my nearest pub and it gave me a link to some kind of weird dating website," said Mr Ellinson. "I'll have to try to put on my best American accent to get it to work."

On its website, Google points out that the new voice search system "is currently available only in US English."

One British user, Edward Parsons, says on the site's comments board "This is fantastic, except for the North American accent bias.

"It actually works pretty well, but I have to disguise my [North London] accent with a terrible folksy Texan tourist voice to get results. I can see this is going to be the source of much amusement and confusion."

MILLIONS BID FOR DAVID BECKHAM'S CHILDHOOD HOME

Buyers have put in offers of one million pounds ($2.3 million) for the house where footballer David Beckham lived as a baby, the businessman handling the sale said on Wednesday (local time).

The three-bedroom terraced house in Leytonstone, north-east London, is near a busy dual carriageway and a railway line, but has attracted three bids worth four times the 250,000 pounds paid for similar houses in the area.

Local businessman Colin Evans said the owners were weighing up the offers, one of which is reported to have come from an unnamed Australian fan of Beckham.

They are expected to make a decision later this week.

Mr Evans said he discovered the footballer's link with the house while researching a book on famous people from the area.

When he told the owners of the news, they checked the facts themselves and found it was true.

"They were very moved when they found out and they made me the sole agent for the sale," Mr Evans said.

He said Beckham's family lived at the house for two years after he was born on May 2, 1975, before moving to Chingford, also in north-east London.

Beckham's spokesman has confirmed the family lived there when he was a baby.

DOG CAUSES VAN TO CRASH THROUGH CAFE WINDOW

A dog has crashed a car through a cafe window in the United States.

The boxer and shar-pei mix set a parked van in motion in Long Island in south-eastern New York, crashing it into a nearby cafe.

The dog, Bentley, was not hurt in the incident and was wagging his tail afterwards.

His owner says he left the parked car running because he did not want Bentley to freeze.

BILLBOARDS USED TO CATCH A THIEF

A New Zealand businessman has gone to great lengths to track down a person who stole electrical equipment from him.

Bllboards have popped up around Auckland in New Zealand featuring a photograph of a man in a bright orange safety vest.

Police say he might look like a repairman but he is a thief.

A member of the public took the photo after watching the man remove 15 transformers from a neon sign on a busy road.

The sign's owner, Mark Venter, says the transformers are worth around $5,000 but he is so angry he has spent $10,000 on the billboards.

"You don't normally get presented with a perfect image of the guy who has done you the damage," he said.

"I thought it was an opportunity too good to ignore, never mind the cost."

Mr Venter is offering a $500 reward for information and has already received 100 calls.

PANDA ATTACKES MAN WHO WANTED CUDDLE

A panda at a zoo in southern China has attacked a student who snuck into its pen hoping for a cuddle with the endangered bear, state media have said.

The 20-year-old male student surnamed Liu jumped over the fence at the zoo in the tourist city of Guilin, ignoring warning signs not to, Xinhua news agency said.

BARRY MANILOW MUSIC USED AS PUNISHMENT

A US judge has hailed as a success a new form of punishment for people who go to court for being too noisy - an hour of listening to Barry Manilow or the theme tune from the children's TV show Barney And Friends.

Judge Paul Sacco said he decided to try something new after noticing that violators brought before his Colorado court for playing their stereos too loudly or disturbing neighbours with band rehearsals kept doing it again.

The usual practice of fining these offenders was not proving to be a deterrent, so he decided to give them a dose of their own medicine and make them listen to his musical selection at high volume for one hour.

"This is a way, when I look back, of teaching manners to people," Mr Sacco, a judge from Fort Lupton Municipal Court in Colorado, told Reuters Television.

He said his methods had cut the number of repeat offenders appearing in his court.

PIANIST'S SKULL USED IN TENANT'S HAMLET

Dr Who star David Tennant has fulfilled a concert pianist's dying wish by using his skull in performances of William Shakespeare's Hamlet.

Andre Tchaikowsky, a Polish Jew who escaped the Holocaust and settled in Britain, bequeathed his skull to the Royal Shakespeare Company (RSC) to be used as a prop.

Soon after his death in 1982, Tchaikowsky's skull was placed in a costume store.

The skull took centre stage when Tennant took on the role of Hamlet in Stratford-upon-Avon, the birthplace of Shakespeare in the English countryside.

The skull featured in 22 performances of the "Alas, poor Yorick" scene in which Hamlet holds aloft the skull of the court jester unearthed by a gravedigger.

The RSC had to obtain a licence from the Human Tissue Authority to use the skull because it is less than 100 years old.

The decision to use it was kept secret from the audience and many in the production crew for fear of distracting from Tennant's performance.

Director Greg Doran told The Times: "I thought it would topple the play and it would be all about David acting with a real skull."

The truth was revealed after the final performance in the Bard's hometown.

The play will move to London's Novello Theatre next week, but it has yet to be decided whether Tennant will use Tchaikowsky's skull there.

POLISH ANIMAL SMUGGLING RING BUSTED

Polish border guards said they had foiled an attempt to smuggle kangaroos, miniature ponies and 11 pheasants in a passenger bus across Poland's border with Ukraine.

"It was a regular bus with 30 or so passengers aboard," Poland's national border guard spokesman Andrzej Wojcik said.

"Everything seemed to be fine until we opened the baggage hold," he added.

"You can imagine the surprise of the border guards when they found two small kangaroos, five ponies and and 11 pheasants locked up in cages," he said.

"Both the kangaroos and ponies are miniatures, measuring 50 to 60 centimetres.

"One of the ponies is probably pregnant," he added.

The Ukrainian bus driver had insisted he did not realise he was doing anything illegal, Mr Wojcik said.

He told the border guards the animals had been delivered to him by a stranger in Warsaw and were to be handed over to someone at the final destination in Lviv, Ukraine.

The animals were examined by veterinarians and fed by border guards.

"They are in good health and will be put in good hands," Mr Wojcik said.

CHOCOLATE JESUS LEAVES A BAD TASTE

Germany's churches criticized a businessman on Tuesday for selling thousands of Jesus chocolates.

Frank Oynhausen set up his "Sweet Lord" chocolate Jesus-making business saying he wanted to restore some traditional religious values to Christmas in Germany.

But the German Protestant Church criticized the idea as "tasteless" and the Roman Catholic Church was not amused.

"I started thinking about how I could reintroduce traditional religious values into this commercial world," said Oynhausen, who had been unemployed since losing a recycling business two years ago.

Together with a friend, a local chocolatier, Oynhausen, 54, developed the concept of "Sweet Lord." It is growing fast in his hometown of Duisburg and on the internet (www.goldjesus.com).

Oynhausen said thousands of people have put in orders for the figures wrapped in gold foil.

But church associations expressed dismay.

"It is terrible that Jesus is being wrapped up in gold foil and sold along with chocolate bunnies, edible penguins and lollipops," said Aegidius Engel, a spokesman for the archbishopric of nearby Paderborn.

"This is ruining the symbol of Jesus himself," he added.

Oynhausen is now custom-producing the chocolate Jesus figures, but by Easter he hopes to have a partnership with a mass producer.

"We're hoping to be able to export them around the world one day," Oynhausen said. He reckons there are parts of the United States where they will be especially popular.

In 2007, a life-size chocolate sculpture of a naked Jesus caused an outcry from Roman Catholics when an art gallery in New York wanted to exhibit it in a window.

ITALIAN PARTY PAYING COUPLES TO NAME BABIES AFTER MUSSOLINI

An Italian right-wing party is offering 1,500 euros ($1,930) to parents who name their babies after wartime fascist dictator Benito Mussolini or his wife Rachele, saying their names are under threat.

The MSI-Fiamma Tricolore party, the descendant of Mussolini's fascist party, said the initiative in the poor, southern region of Basilicata was meant to keep alive names "at risk of extinction" and pay tribute to the movement's roots.

"Benito and Rachele are nice names and I hope our original initiative will get people going," party official Vincenzo Mancusi told Reuters.

The bonus -- intended to pay for baby clothes and food -- applies to babies born in 2009 in five villages where the birth rate is especially low, Mancusi said.

Mussolini ruled from 1922 to 1943 when he was ousted after leading Italy to ruin by entering World War Two as an ally of Germany. He was executed along with his mistress Claretta Petacci in 1945. His widow Rachele died in 1979.

So which day's wacky news did you find to be the funniest? Please take a chance to vote and let me know what amused you the most. If you can't remember, scroll back and recap the weird events of the month. I would love to know what appealed to you the most.